heatherb84
Before I was a Mom
Before I was a Mom... -I slept as late as I wanted and never worried about how late I got into bed. -I brushed my hair everyday. Before I was a Mom... -I cleaned my house each day. I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby. -I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about immunizations. Before I was a Mom... -I had never been puked on. Pooped on. Spit on. Chewed on. Peed on. I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts. -I slept all night. Before I was a Mom... -I never held down a screaming child so that doctors could do tests. Or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. -I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. -I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep. Before I was a Mom... - I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put it down. - I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. -I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. -I never knew that I could love someone so much. -I never knew I would love being a Mom. Before I was a Mom... -I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. -I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. -I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child. -I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy. Before I was a Mom... -I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. -I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom. -I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom.
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My pain...
I often wonder how someone could be adored by so many but not truly loved by one special person...When someone says they miss you it makes you feel that for one moment in time you mattered to someone,you touched their life...How can someone have so many friends and come home to no one?How can you be surrounded by so many people and still be so f*cking lonely?How can you love so much with a broken heart barely beating?How can you let go of someone but still can't bare to see them in someone elses arms...you wonder if you made the right choice and if you ever really let them go at all....How can you feel so much pain but so much happiness when you see them? How can you still love someone after they tear your heart out?How can you cry so much over someone who sees right through you? He says he just wants to be happy but yet you stand like a big glowing sign saying"hello it's right here!"and he keeps on walking away? How can everything change in a split second? One minute everything seems so perfect, then the next it's torn apart? How can your children be ripped away from you over something someone else did and yet they get to live their lives happily while yours is forever shattered and broken? Why does life have to be like this? How can I ever move on without my children? The ones who mean more to me than anything in this world? Everything was finally starting to get better, then He had to come into mine and my son's life and take it all away. Everything I worked so hard to fix. I understand I have a beautiful baby girl and another on the way from Him, but if I could go back, and now then what I know now, I wouldn't have let Him in mine and my son's lives. I know that I would sacrifice not having my daughters but at least I know my son wouldn't have been hurt the way he was and we'd still be together....as the little happy family that we once were. I don't know how my Life is going to turn out after all of this. I honestly don't see much in my future without them. I miss holding Dominic and Isabella. I miss telling them how much I love them, reading Dominic storied before bed and kissing them both. Letting them know I'm here if they ever need me. All of that has been taken from me. Everything I wanted when I was growing up, completely shattered because of some sick son of a bitch who had to prey on my baby boy. I miss hearing Dominic say "I love you Mama.." everyday I dropped him off at my parents so I could go to work. I miss picking him and Isabella up after work only to have Dom practically ready to run out the door because he missed me so much. I miss seeing my beautiful baby girl's smile and hearing her cry because she needed me. I guess what I am trying to say to you all, is you really honestly don't know what you have until you have lost it. I can truly say I know the meaning of that saying. Follow your gut instinct. I know they say to follow your heart, but sometimes your heart is wrong. Also, if there's something that you are too afraid to say to someone, just say it. You may not be given another chance. Also, for all of you teenagers who argue with your parents contantly, just listen to them. They know what they're talking about, trust me. If you don't listen to them, it may cost you everything you have. Also, stop arguing with them. They love you and only want whats best for you. Be happy that you have your parents, some kids don't. Friends come and go, but Family will forever and always be there. Remember that.....I've learned my lesson in a lot of things and all of them I learned the hard way and look at what it has cost me. Yea, some of you are thinking, " I would never do the same stupid things she did" but you don't know that for certain until you are in the exact same situation. I used to say one thing, but when I was in that particular situation, I acted totally different than what I said I would do. Now I have to suffer the consequences for the rest of my life. I will not be able to have any more children nor be happy because I now can't trust anyone anymore. All because I didn't follow my gut instinct. They say God has a Plan for all of us, but I seriously think I screwed mine up so bad, there's no repairing it......
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On my mind...
This has been something that has been on my mind for awhile now. There's this man that I have very strong feelings for, yet unfortunately he is engaged to another woman. I don't know how these feelings came about, they just happened to arise out of no where it seems. I know that he is taken and I probably shouldn't even be thinking about him in that way, but everytime I see him, I get this butterfly feeling in my stomach and I just seem to light up. Whenever I see his name on my phone, whether it be a text from him or a phone call, I all of a sudden become so giddy. I haven't felt this way since high school. He is much older than me as well, but in my eyes age is just a number. But besides the point, all I know is I think about him and wonder what it would be like if we were together. I wonder if he thinks of me, the way I think about him ever. I don't know whether this is a crush or what, but all I know is for as long as I have known him, he seems to be the only man I feel that I can trust or even talk to about anything. That to me is important. Maybe we are meant to just be really good friends....but somedays, I wonder...for just a minute, what if we were meant to be?
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